


led by the flickers in your eyes

by kirael



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Drama, F/M, Longing, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, alexander hamilton gets socked in the face, space, though they're not there yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:27:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9413972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirael/pseuds/kirael
Summary: Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens, then and now.





	

**Author's Note:**

> here's some lams

John Laurens is standing in front of him, and Alexander can't tear his eyes away.

He can feel Eliza tugging at his arm, speaking to him, but he can't hear it. He can't hear any of it. All he can hear is John's last words to him, echoing over and over and over again until Alexander wants to scream.

But he doesn't. Can't. Instead, he pulls himself away from Eliza's grasp and stumbles over to John.

"John," he says, and John turns to look at him.

Alexander almost chokes on the thickness of the memories that look brings back, memories he'd thought were buried under years and years of high-stakes career building and confidentiality forms.

"John," he says again. He can see the moment John realizes, the way his eyes widen and his face pales and his hand tightens around the ceremonial weapon he has strapped onto his waist, the one he's been gripping onto since Alexander first noticed him. His arm twitches, and Alexander almost thinks he's going to draw his weapon.

But then his face forcibly relaxes and he grabs onto Alexander's arm.

Alexander tries not to drown as John leads him out of the main room and into a small auxiliary chamber.

* * *

_Alex hasn't ever seen Bartow this excited._

_"One more week," she says, breaking out into a huge grin._

_James Madison, too, is smiling, though he looks far more subdued._

_"We got a message from George Washington," Madison says. "They've located us and are coming to pick us up."_

_John, leaned up comfortably against Alex on the floor, raises his hand. "Any information about the war?"_

_Bartow clears her throat. "Yes," she says. "It's going well." She hesitates slightly before speaking again. "Better than expected, actually. They've captured Lord Cornwallis. They say the war's practically over."_

_"Without me?" Alex blurts out, then immediately regrets it. He's entitled to not a damn thing, just a lowly secretary (albeit one Washington had expressed great appreciation for) who made the horrid mistake of sitting out for months and months while the war raged on around him._

_As Alex looks around the room, he can see the shock on the faces of the people around him, the incredible mix of emotions vivid on those of his fellow soldiers. Not all, it seems, crave glory. Not the way Alex does._

_"Sorry," he mutters. "Ignore that. I wasn't thinking. I never think, you know, but-" He's cut off by John taking his hand and squeezing tightly._

_Bartow spares a brief glance at him, expressionless, and continues talking, but Alex isn't listening. He can feel John rubbing small circles into the palm of Alex's hand. The feeling is grounding, anchoring Alex to his body. Without it, he's scared he'll float away._

* * *

Alexander concentrates on the feeling of John's hand on his wrist, tight enough to cut off Alexander's blood circulation. The pain keeps his head clear. 

The room John leads him too is dark, lit up by small, bioluminescent fungi planted along the edges.

"You left," Alexander hears himself say. He watches, distantly, as John's face contorts into one of rage. He's never been one for calmness, Alexander thinks.

"I left?" John asks. "You were the one that ran off with your pretty little wife for a cushy government job. I've been doing actual work." He reaches up and touches the scar on his left cheek, almost as an afterthought.

Alexander finds himself struggling not to laugh. "No," he says. Alexander steps closer. "You left. We made a promise, a pact, and you broke it. I would have waited for you."

"You didn't," John hisses.

Alexander finds the words come easily now that he's actually speaking to John, clicking into place as easily as talking to Eliza. "You didn't ask," he replies.

There's a brief moment where everything slows down, where Alexander can see John's eyes darting to his, and then moving away, as if in apology. John's hand twitches, and then Alexander’s nose is screaming in pain.

* * *

_"I think I love you," John says._

_Alex can't help but giggle, the laugh bubbling up and out of him uncontrollably. At the look of horror crossing John's face, Alex immediately sobers up and says, "You think?"_

_"I do love you," John corrects._

_Alex presses a kiss to his lips. After that, there's not much talking._

* * *

Alexander stares up at John from his place on the floor. He can feel blood sluggishly trickling down his face.

John is breathing heavily, his hand still clenched into a fist at his side.

"Okay," Alexander says. "I probably deserved that."

"Yeah," John says, "you did." He holds out a hand.

Alexander looks at it, stares at it, examines it, and then, just as John starts pulling away, takes it. John helps him up.

"Right," John says once Alexander is on his feet. "You want a turn now?"

"What?"

John gestures to Alexander, and then gestures to himself. "I punched you, now you punch me. Quid pro quo."

Alexander takes a step back. "No, why? You're right. I made a mistake; I get punched."

But John's already shaking his head before Alexander even finishes. "You made I mistake. I made a mistake. Mutual mess-ups. C'mon."

He's just...standing there, arms limp at his sides, his hand flexing at his side. Alexander knows he'll never be able to do it. "John," he starts, but doesn't finish, any words he may have insufficient.

John's eyes narrow. "I see," he says. Then he bows, once, right hand now back on his weapon, and leaves.

* * *

_John's fingers -_

_Alex lets out a low groan as John squirts out a dollop of lube - how he gets it, Alexander doesn't want to know - and plunges back in._

_The way John has sex - it's more methodical than anything, made up of him steadily working across Alex's body until Alex is shaking._

_"John," Alex breathes, clenching the bedsheets as he arches up. The world goes a little sideways and then settles back down into its proper place._

_There's stickiness spread on Alex's stomach and the air still stinks of sweat and come, the ship's automatic cleansing capabilities having not kicked in properly yet._

_"C'mon," John mutters, voice a little raspy. "We gotta clean up." He pulls Alex up to his feet and they stumble their way to the bathroom, hand in hand._

* * *

"John Laurens, " Eliza says, laying next to Alexander.

Alexander takes a deep breath. “What about him?” he asks, even if he knows the answer. He wants to hear it.

But Eliza’s always been surprising, never one to be predictable, no matter what demeanor she puts out to the world. “I’ve missed him,” she says. “You used to talk about him, like – like he was dead.”

“I had to,” Alexander says.

Eliza’s voice is soft when she replies. “I know,” she says. “But I knew him too.”

She turns around to face Alexander and presses a hand to his mostly-healed nose. Her eyes remind Alexander of a deep pool of water, reflecting the starlight in its endless darkness.

“Call him,” she says.

Alexander’s feet are cold, but Eliza hasn’t moved away.

He nods. “Tomorrow,” Alexander says. That night, he doesn’t dream.

* * *

_John wakes Alex up in the middle of the night. “C’mon,” he says, pulling Alex up to his feet. They pad through the ship until they reach the control room, where the glass-coverings are all down._

_“Look,” John says._

_Through the exposed windows, Alex can see the universe spread before him, the stars glittering lightly in the distance. In front of him, however, there’s a huge sun shining, red and orange, a faint glow surrounding it like the glamour of angels._

_“It’s beautiful, right?” John asks._

_Alex agrees, but he’s not really looking at the sun. Alex watches John instead. John’s eyes are alight with wonder, his hair fanned around his face like a halo. Alexander can’t tear his eyes away._

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos feed my family  
> talk to me @ my tumblr: [duckmoles](https://duckmoles.tumblr.com)


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